Godzilla: Classic VS Remake #1

I have been gone for awhile (that blog was just an experiment after all), but I am back with all force and this time I am not alone. Let me introduce you my cocky boyfriend and his surprisingly good writing which kind of makes me feel bad about myself and my attempt to conquer film studies. We will just have fun, like an old married couple trying to find an interesting hobby so that they don't die of boredom. Excuse my lover's attitude, that is just how it goes. 
This is one of our first ideas of а series of posts and we found it compelling since so many remakes appear nowadays in our cinemas. 


~I.

Before we get straight down to it I have something to say: FUCK ROLAND EMMERICH AND HIS FUCKING PRETENTIOUS DISASTER MOVIES. There, I feel much better now. And before I hear the furious roars of a thousand fan boys, let me say that I do not consider the 1998 shitstorm that was Godzilla a classic, but given the nature of the movie battle itself I consider the original 1954 version incomparable to the new remakes – mainly because of the vast difference in Asian and American cinema. And also, I would have to mention all of the other Asian versions. And I’m a lazy bastard. PS There may be some spoilers!

                Let’s start off with Emmerich’s “contribution” to the seventh art. First and shallowest of all, the taglines promoting of the movie is so much better suited for a porn flick. Not that there probably hasn’t been some thought put into “Size Does Matter” or “Something Big Is Happening”, but I reckon they would be better suited describing “The Incredible Hulk: An XXX Parody”.. or “Fifty Shades Of Grey”. Second of all: Matthew Broderick. You ass. Not only is he not even remotely likely to be considered an action hero, but the general “I think that was not just a fart” look on his face, for me, deems him unlikely to be much of a scientist. Perhaps Roland was trying to go for a cool/geeky touch to bring to the table, kind of the way Jeff Goldblum does in Jurassic Park. Needless to say this little experiment failed miserably. So that’s strike one. Come to think about it the strikes just keep on coming: Maria Pitillo’s “that dick has not been washed” look; Hank Azaria’s pure awkwardness and the general lack of effort put in the writing of the script. The one thing I would like to pardon when it comes to this movie is Jean Reno’s part in it. Based on his other contributions to the film industry, I think I can let this appearance slide. He probably just needed the money.

                On the other hand we have the fresh 2014 remake, courtesy of Gareth Edwards. And I know what you guys are thinking: “Who the fuck is Gareth Edwards and how did he come to direct such a blockbuster movie?” Well, don’t worry – no one really knows. Which turned out to be a good think, for expectations weren’t sky high as they were for the “original”. The first trailers were allusive, focusing on the people, slightly hinting the danger, the drama, the aftershock of what a huge motherfucking creature attacking humanity would actually feel and look like from the perspective of a common man. The cast is well balanced, focusing on a mixture of up-and-coming talents (Olsen and Taylor-Johnson) and proven and influential artists (Bryan “Hail-To-The-King” Cranston and Ken Watanabe). Now, can’t say that Watanabe’s weepy look doesn’t get old and that there aren’t some plot holes, but you can’t expect too much – it is a Godzilla movie, after all.

                I think it is pretty clear which version I consider to be superior. But if you still need convincing of the superiority of Edwards’s effort, here it is – GODZILLA IS NOT THE FUCKING VILLAIN (ROLAND, YOU WANKER!), HE IS THE PROTECTOR!  There, I said it. The victor is clearly the new and gloomy reptile, as opposed to the old and… well, gloomy reptile.

                Sorry I used “fuck” so much, mom.

                PS P.Diddy & Jimmy Page’s effort for the first movie’s theme song is worth hearing out.

                PSPS The Patriot was a fluke, admit it!

~G.